The ones who know me well know that besides my joy, my light and my laughter, I have my dark periods. And with dark I mean: restless, dreamy, sad, tired, angry, bored, alone.
I ask myself questions like: why are we here? Where do we come from? What do we have to do? And what is the meaning of it all? Why are we doing things like this? Where are we going?
The interesting part about these questions is that I can ask them with 2 intentions. One of these intentions is asking these questions with wonder, with curiosity, and joy. With an awareness, with an everlasting urge to know it all and to share it with you after I found the answer.
The other intention is the dark and deep one. The sad one. The one without curiosity and joy but with desire, fear and no trust. Why AM I here? What is the meaning of it all? Why are we doing the things like we do it? And, how do I get out of this place? Am I doing anything right? What is my path? Where do I have to go? How can I run away from this place and from myself? Where can I find rest if it’s not here?
Can you feel the energy shift between the two intentions?
I always know that the one with sadness is followed by the one with joy, and the other way around. It’s like the circle of life. I know the light comes back and that is what helps me go through it, and give meaning to it. To find a reason why I have these dark days.
I know these dark days help me understand it all on a deeper level, and also help me make art which honors these days and that can help you too understand what is happening inside all of us. I literally express and give words to our inner world.
I can sing and use my voice to share. But some days I don’t want to sing, I don’t want to share. On days like these I want to run, shout, scream, move. Use my body to burst out, to break free.
But from what do I want to break free? I ask myself while feeling this deep urge of breaking free. The first answer that just pops up in my mind when I ask this is breaking free from my mind-prison. Breaking free from the concept that I created in my head to which I now feel trapped to.
On these days I have to push myself to write or sing, to shout or to run, to dance, to go out… I have to help myself with all the tools I have to release the heaviness I feel. Not by fighting against it but by lovingly embrace all that I feel, in order to soothe my heaviness, to carry it around like a baby and to help it to be seen, felt and heard.
Once I understood that heaviness, and emotions are not here to haunt me for the rest of my life, but to help me, I understood that they didn’t want to be heard, but held. And once I learned to do this, to listen to them and to soothe them like a little baby of mine, I learned to dance with all my moods, emotions and feelings. I learned to dance with them and I learned to humbly embrace them.
And by dancing with the heaviness, I understood that the heavy days and emotions aren’t here to fight with me or to make my life a difficult one. I understood that they are dear friends, knocking on my door, telling me old tales of who I once was and of who I can be if I dare to listen to them. If I dare to feel them and go on a beautiful inward adventure with them.
The heavy days and emotions tell me where I got lost on my path and they bring me back home if I dare to listen to them.
Holding the heaviness like a baby, releasing all the emotions and using them as inspiration for my own creative journey, helps me to go from seeing these days as ugly to seeing these days as one of the most beautiful days.
It helps me to go from feeling lost and bewildered to feeling grounded and in my power. They help me see who I truly am and release all that is not serving me (anymore).
They help me to share this with the world and to share with you that I have my dark days, but that these days are tremendously beautiful!
They help me see: darkness and my shadow parts are not something I have to run away from, or that we as a collective have to run away from. If we truly dare to look at our darkness, our shadows, our heaviness, we will discover our deepest desires lie there, and if you dare to go there, to your darkness, and to rest in your dark days, you will grow, connect and heal.
Darkness and light cannot exist without each other. And my darkness is as beautiful as my light. My darkness is here for a reason. It’s here to help you acknowledge yours, to help you embrace yours. So that we can heal and grow together.
So here’s to darkness and to light, may you always be with me, with us, and may you always help us to see the beauty of it all.